Life As You Know It
by ladidai
Summary: Semi-Crack-fic. Santana stumbles onto something truly horrifying. So horrifying that it unites the entire Glee Club and forces them into action.


A/N: I'm sure this has been done much better before, but my muse returned for a moment to drop this crap off instead of helping me with LiL. Thanks a-fucking-lot.

This takes place during a nebulous time during their senior year.

Minor wordiness and foul language ahead. Ye Be Warned.

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><p>Every animal has the fight-or-flight response and while there are small differences among each species the general indicators in mammals are all the same: a flood of adrenaline, faster heartbeat and breathing, tunnel vision, loss of hearing, and shaking; among other things. If a person had never experienced it for themselves, they could be shown one of those nature documentaries where a predator hunts down their prey. The obvious example is a cheetah hunting down a gazelle. It always starts the same, with the cheetah slowly stalking through the tall grass towards the gazelle. The gazelle looks up and freezes, trying to spot where the danger is coming from and after a long moment it darts away with the cheetah in pursuit. That's how nature has worked and how it always will: Predators chase their prey.<p>

There was no bigger predator at William McKinley High School than Santana Lopez and, like a gazelle in an African savanna, every student in the halls looked up and froze as the predator stalked through the halls. Conversations faded to a halt, locker combinations were forgotten mid-entry, and phones were dropped as the fight-or-flight response kicked in for everyone who saw the bobbing ponytail and swishing Cheerios skirt. Normally, Santana would've been amused with everyone's reaction towards her but half-crumpled paper in her hand had given her tunnel vision and plastered a scowl on her face. So as each pair of eyes following her decided on this day this predator wouldn't attack them, normal activity resumed in the hallway behind her.

Santana reached the classroom she was looking for and shoved a frozen, tiny freshman out of the way and threw open the door. Her eyes darted around the room as she scanned the startled faces and then settled on a target.

"Berry! Where's Mr. Schue?" Santana said as she stalked to the middle of the room.

"He is probably busy with our guidance counselor, as usual; which is highly frustrating. Doesn't he realize that Regionals—"

"Shut up midget. I'm calling a club meeting right now." Santana turned around and slammed the paper she was holding on to the table at the front of the room.

Rachel shot out of her seat and practically skipped to the table. "Oh! Did you find a song for us to perform? We can arrange and practice it while Mr. Schue is indisposed."

Santana scowled at her. "What? This isn't a song, but I fucking wish it was." She looked up at the rest of the club. "Get your asses over here too." She waited while the other members of the Glee Club slowly made their way to the table before picking up the paper and shoving it in Quinn's face. "Read."

Quinn crossed her arms, arched one of her perfect eyebrows, and gave Santana a look of bemusement before taking the paper. That look slowly transformed into one of incredulity then horror as her eyes took in what was on the paper. She looked back up at Santana with narrowed eyes. "This… Is this some kind of a joke?"

"No, I found three freshman Cheerios giggling over this shit in the bathroom; speaking of which." Santana pulled out her iPhone and dialed a number. "How many? Just one? Keep them running until all three have puked. Then keep them running for another half an hour. Then sit-ups. Then push-ups. Don't forget: No water."

"What the fuck is the big deal?" Puck said as he snatched the paper from Quinn. His eyes lit up as he read the paper. "Quinn, I never realized you wanted Berry in that way."

"What is on that paper?" Rachel said as Quinn shot Puck a dirty look. Puck gave the pages to Rachel and her eyes widened as she read them. "I… I would never do these things to you Quinn!"

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Yea and I'd break your arm and face if you tried."

"Too bad, I would've paid to see it," Puck said.

Rachel's head whipped around. "Noah Puckerman you are disgusting! I haven't even—" Rachel stopped talking and quickly covered her mouth.

"Haven't even what?" Puck said. "You weren't about to blurt out what you haven't done with Finn yet were you?" He looked over at Finn and punched his arm. "You've had an entire summer and half of fall semester to seal the deal. What the fuck is taking you so long?"

"Ugh, shut the fuck up. No one wants to hear about the sex life of the midget and the giant," Santana said.

"I kinda do."

Everyone turned to look at the new voice.

"Who the fuck are you?" Santana said.

"I'm—"

Santana cut him off. "No one cares. I don't even know why you're up here."

"You said this was a club meeting?"

Santana looked around and saw that the other three new club members had come up as well. "I meant a meeting for the real members New Kid #1. Go back to your seat and take 2, 3, and 4 with you."

The kid shrugged and walked back to the seat with the other three. "Hey, why do you get to be #1 today?"

"Because the scary Cheerio said so?"

Santana rolled her eyes and yelled, "Hey! Did I say you four could talk?"

Finn spoke up. "So what the heck is going on?"

Puck handed over the pages. "You're gonna love this shit."

With a confused look, Finn grabbed the pages and began to read. As he read Santana easily noticed his face become flushed and rolled her eyes. Of course Finn would have that sort of reaction, what guy wouldn't?

Quinn snatched the pages away from Finn. "I think that's enough for you."

Finn made a half-hearted attempt to get them back. "But…"

"What is on those pages?" Artie said.

Puck laughed and said, "It's part of a story where Quinn and Berry go down on each other!"

"Whoa," Mike muttered before getting an elbow in the ribs from Tina.

After that bit of noise everyone went silent as they digested this bit of news. All of the guys had a far away, dreamy gaze on their faces while all the girls had looks of disgust on theirs, except for Brittany who had a look like one of the guys. Santana couldn't really blame her for that because that scenario would've been totally hot except for the fact that Quinn was one her best friends and Berry was Berry.

Brittany tapped Santana on the shoulder. "So, like, what's the big deal if Rachel and Quinn go down on each other? We do it, like, every night."

"They're not lesbian like us B."

"Lesbian?"

Santana smiled softly at Brittany. "They're not Lebanese like us."

"Oh." A confused look appeared on Brittany's face. "So then, why write a story like that?"

"Who cares why they wrote it. Where's the rest of it?" Puck asked.

"Don't know; these were all the pages I got." This was a complete lie, but there was no way Santana was going to show the club the next page where she joined in with Quinn and Rachel. This was why the rest of the story was only found in the trash can of the girl's bathroom torn into little pieces.

Puck asked another question. "Are there more stories like this?"

Santana grinned and looked at Quinn. "Give him the next page."

Puck snatched the page that Quinn held out to him and began to read. His smile quickly turned into a look of terror. "What the fuck is this shit?"

"You said you wanted another story."

"Why the fuck am I banging Kurt?" Puck looked over at Kurt. "No offense dude."

"None taken," Kurt dryly said as he took the page from Puck and glanced at it. "Well, the writing is dry, the grammar is terrible, and the actual sex is boring." Kurt daintily placed the page back on the table with his thumb and index finger before turning around. "Come along Blaine; let's leave them to do whatever they're going to do."

"Why? This is the most interesting thing that's happened here in weeks!"

"I suppose it is now that Brittany and Santana are finally together and Rachel and Finn seem stable." Kurt turned towards Santana. "So, what exactly are you proposing Santana?"

Santana slammed her hands onto the table. "I'm proposing that we find whatever pervert is writing these stories and do something… creative with them."

"And how are we going to do that?" Quinn asked.

Santana pointed at Artie. "Laptop. Now."

Artie pulled out his laptop and put it on the table. "You all have come to the right man. Let me see that page again. I can pull the registration info for the website URL on here." He typed furiously on his laptop for a few minutes before sitting back. "There."

Everyone gathered around Artie and peered at his laptop.

"Jew-fro," muttered Puck.

"Anyone know where he is?" Quinn asked.

"No idea, but we're gonna make him wish he was never born," Santana said.

Artie put away his laptop and everyone started to make their way out of the room only to the stopped by Mr. Schue as he entered. "Whoa, where are you guys going? We've got practice now!"

Rachel stopped to answer him while the rest of them stepped around him. "Sorry Mr. Schue, we've got something extremely important to take care of."

Mr. Schue looked incredulous. "All of you?"

Santana spoke up loudly, "No, you can have the four new kids."

The original members of the Glee Club stepped into the hall.

Puck punched his open hand. "When I find him, I'm gonna pound him into pulp."

Santana smirked. "Yea, I'll bet you will."

"Fuck you, Santana."

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><p>AN 2: Well, that's that. Hopefully my muse will do something now for LiL.

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